Time for some outside help….

So I started seeing a therapist last week. Figured I can’t do this alone, so I guess it’s time to get some help. (Because CLEARLY, spending my days a crying mess might not be the HEALTHIEST way to get through my life right now.)

First visit last week went well, but I have to say it was mostly just her getting to know me. I was surprised at how easily I was able to open up to her. I’m normally the kind of person who doesn’t like other people to worry about me, so my fear was that I would just play off like I was ok, which would COMPLETELY defeat the purpose of going. But in the end, I guess I let that part go. I talked about my fears of never being a mom, and how difficult this process has been. I have to say, that in the hour I was there, I’m not sure I really felt like we got anywhere, but I did get a good vibe from her. I guess that’s a good thing! I walked away from there with 2 things:

  1. Go see a Dr. and get some much needed time off work. I’m an elementary school teacher, so being “on” and in front of 6-7 year olds all day, is just not something I feel like I can do right now.
  2. Start walking. Now, I told her that I used to run, but due to all the treatments I’ve done, I’ve completely let that go. She suggested I start walking instead, as it does 2 things. 1. It helps the release of the feel-good chemical serotonin, and 2. Being out in the sun helps us feel good as well. Sure, that sounded totally doable. Easy enough. (However, I was a wee bit skeptical that “walking it off” was some sort of magical cure.)

Well that was a week ago. I did go see a Dr, who promptly wrote me off work for a month. Phew! I have to say, that although I feel guilty for taking time off work, and am worried a bit about what people will say, I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can finally take some time to worry about and help ME.

As far as the walking…..hehehe…….that’s a whole different story. Now right now, I’m very much in a depressed state, and I don’t particularly feel like doing ANYTHING. That includes leaving the house. Going to the grocery store sucks, because all I seem to see when I’m out, is families and pregnant women. And that makes me angry. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry at them per se…..but seeing them is like a constant reminder of what I can’t (my therapist would say “don’t”) have. And that makes me so incredibly sad, that I often end up getting back into my car in tears. So yeah…..going out doesn’t really thrill me. Now for the walking…….I live in an area of young families. That means, that at any given point, there are lots of people out walking their babies. And quite frankly, I don’t want to see that. How is going for a walk, and seeing other people doing what I want to do, going to help me?

So, when my husband asked me 2 days ago, if I wanted to go for a walk, I naturally said no. Well I had previously told him that the therapist had suggested that I needed to walk, and that I needed him to push me to do so. Sooo…..what did he do? Tried to push me to do so. Poor guy. The meltdown from me that ensued was COMPLETELY not his fault. I first got snappy – “Why would I want to go for a walk right now? Ugh….maybe later”. Then I got rude – “Umm, this is a little bigger than just a situation that can be WALKED OFF, how the hell is walking going to fix me?”. At this point, the poor guy was a little unsure what to do. Does he keep pushing and have me angry with him? Am I already angry with him? Is he going to do more harm than good?. I think he asked me one more time, in the kindest way possible, saying that it could still be good for me, even if it doesn’t FIX me….and that’s when the meltdown started. Tears for over an hour. I was upset that I didn’t feel like doing what the therapist had said. Maybe she didn’t understand if she thought that’s all I needed. I was so sorry to my husband that I had been so snappy and rude. Anyways, needless to say there was no walk. And…..I doubt that he will be bringing that topic up again soon. Oops.

Today I had my second appointment with the therapist. I told her about my meltdown, and my reasons for not having gone walking. She understood, which surprised me. I kinda thought she’d be angry at me? I don’t know, maybe I expected her to be like “well, if you won’t do what I tell you, then I just can’t help you and we’re done!”. But yeah….obviously that’s not what happened. Maybe I still have a lot to learn about this therapy thing. Anyways, mostly what we talked about today were my fears and how I try to cope by avoidance. She challenged all my negative thinking, by shooting back a realistic (not positive….she doesn’t like to tell people to be positive, because that’s not realistic) view on my situation instead. She kept just telling me that the odds were in my favour. I guess hearing it over and over again, is what’s going to finally help me believe it. So here’s what I took away from today’s session:

  1. Avoid avoidance! Get out there. Go see pregnant people and families. Instead of looking at them with a “I hate you for having what I want”, look at them with excitement of what I will eventually have. Walking and seeing other people with their families should make me think about what it will be like to walk with MY family (even though, as she reminded me, my husband and I are still a family, even if not yet complete). However, do this reasonably. She’s not saying I should do all my walks around the parks and daycares where all the little babies are playing. Because that doesn’t sound like fun. At all.
  2. Remind myself that the odds are in my favour (I can’t help saying that with a Hunger Games voice, hehe). Even though I have all these worst case scenarios bouncing around my head, I need to push them aside and remind myself CONSTANTLY that the odds ARE in my favour here. I have no major issues, for us it’s the fact that hubby has azoospermia. I’m still young (though I don’t feel it) and the odds are, realistically, that at least one of our 6 embryos will be a beautiful little baby.
  3. Keep myself busy doing things that I enjoy. In other words, sitting at home and wallowing all day, is not the most constructive thing for me to be doing right now. I mean, I DO know that…….but not going to be easy to kick myself in the butt and change it.
  4. Thinking good things won’t jinx anything. Yeah. I do believe that. I think that’s why I immediately go to worst case scenario. She also explained how thinking bad things, actually makes your body physically react to those bad scenarios, by producing cortisol and constantly putting your body in distress. That’s not good for ANYthing, especially baby-making…..huh….interesting. So I guess I really gotta work on this.

I’ll see her again in a couple weeks. Hopefully by then I will have started my FET cycle. I did get a really good feeling from her today though. Much better than last time. I feel like she gets me a little more, and I do feel like she’s going to be able to help me. Yay!

Oh, and I’ve found a TON of great infertility memes on pinterest. We actually talked about this one today, so decided to include it 🙂