Well, it’s official, as of Friday afternoon, I am officially PUPO….pregnant until proven otherwise for those not familiar with the term. Am I excited? Sure…..but mostly I’m terrified. I feel like it’s going to work, so I’m terrified about how I will deal if it doesn’t.
Last week was terrible. I have been so much more emotional this time around. I think the estrogen plays a role, combined with the fact that I’m still trying to deal with the loss of last cycle. This past week, I had daily meltdowns over almost nothing. I honestly just felt like crying all the time. I blame the introduction of progesterone into my estrogen overloaded body. Not a good combination! The other thing that was strange, is that I was extremely nervous about the transfer. Not nervous about the actual procedure, but just nervous and anxious about it. I’m not 100% sure why, but I have a feeling it’s because of the fear of it not working. Once transfer happens, I just have to sit back, relax, and hope with ALL of my being that it has worked. That’s terrifying.
We have to get up super early, to be at my clinic for 8:15 for my Intralipids. Transfers are done by my doctor in a different clinic, so I am waiting to hear from the other clinic on whether or not my blast survived the thaw, and what time to go in for transfer. Last time they called me before 8:00, so when 9:00 rolls around and they haven’t called, I’m FREAKING out. What if it didn’t survive? What if there’s a problem? Why haven’t they called?!!!! Anyways, the nurse assures me that it doesn’t mean ANYthing that they haven’t called yet, starts the IV, and gets the Intralipids going. The other clinic finally calls around 9:15. Blast survived, and transfer at 12:00. Phew! Perfect 🙂 Now the 3 hour wait for Intralipids. Apparently some people feel nauseous during them, and have a harder time handling them, so I’m really fortunate, that although I get nauseous for everything, I can actually handle the Intralipids very well. Because of this, they are able to speed up the process, so I can be done on time. When we are done, Hubby and I head over to the other clinic for transfer. Transfer goes well, same as the other 3 times, I feel like an old pro by now. Embryologist gets me to sign the sheet, and check my name on the file. She shows us our blast on the screen, Dr inserts the catheter, in goes the embryo, and we’re done! No long walks, 2L of water a day, and take it easy for the next 2 weeks. Beta is on June 21, which is not really that far away. So now we wait….
Terrified. That’s the only word I can really use to describe how I feel right now. Terrified, because I feel like it is going to work. It HAS to work. Except I know that it doesn’t. So I’m scared. Somehow I have to keep myself optimistic, and calm for the next 9 days. Then the other question…..test early? or wait for beta? I think I might test early, but honestly……I don’t know if I have the stomach for it. I guess we’ll see!