And so it happens again :(

I haven’t updated, as I’ve been trying to process what’s happened….for the second time. My tww was pretty uneventful. I had slight cramps, a little brown spotting, nausea, as well as feeling tired. All things that could be blamed on the progesterone and other medicinal cocktail I was on. I was however, very optimistic that this was going to be it. I really really believed it was going to work.

My first beta was last Tuesday, which came back at 15. My first thought was chemical, which the nurse said was probably the case. However, he said there’s always a chance that it was just a late implanter, so to come back Thursday for another beta. Well after doing some research, and fining similar stories of women getting low beta numbers around the same dpo (16), and going on to have healthy pregnancies, I was still oddly optimistic. I held on to the hope that this was still going to work. Thursday came, and beta came back at 12. Confirmed chemical. 😦

I’m devastated and torn. Torn between feeling optimistic that at least 2 in a row have started implanting, which has to be a good sign…..and feeling worried about the reason that I can’t STAY pregnant. Tears come at random times, and then the next minute I’ll feel optimistic. Damned mood swings.

We had an appointment with the RE Thursday. I have to say, that it really helped. 1. he’s really optimistic that this could work for us, since my body seems to WANT to be pregnant. He also suggested we double check that the donor has confirmed pregnancies, as when we chose the donor he was brand new and the pregnancy report was 0. Sure enough, there are pregnancies reported, which makes me feel better. 2nd, he suggested we do another hysteroscopy before trying again, as the last one was in September, and you  never know, polyps can always come back. If so, that could be the reason that the embryos aren’t developing properly. He also reminded us, that transferring a healthy embryo into a healthy uterus still only carries a 50-60% chance of becoming a live birth. Yes those odds are great, but it’s still not a guarantee. On average it takes 3 of those transfers to guarantee a baby. 2 down 1 to go right? Sigh……I hope so.

So here we are. This next month we will do a hysteroscopy which means we can’t do a transfer. We went ahead and decided to use all our air travel points (which we’ve accumulated with our our medical expenses!!!) and head to Europe for a couple weeks at the end of July. We will spend most of the time with family who lives over there, and get to do some touristy stuff on our own as well. It falls right around our anniversary as well, so we’re really looking forward to a nice getaway. Hopefully it will do us some good, and be in a better place to start again in August.

Officially PUPO!!

Well, it’s official, as of Friday afternoon, I am officially PUPO….pregnant until proven otherwise for those not familiar with the term. Am I excited? Sure…..but mostly I’m terrified. I feel like it’s going to work, so I’m terrified about how I will deal if it doesn’t. 

Last week was terrible. I have been so much more emotional this time around. I think the estrogen plays a role, combined with the fact that I’m still trying to deal with the loss of last cycle. This past week, I had daily meltdowns over almost nothing. I honestly just felt like crying all the time. I blame the introduction of progesterone into my estrogen overloaded body. Not a good combination! The other thing that was strange, is that I was extremely nervous about the transfer. Not nervous about the actual procedure, but just nervous and anxious about it. I’m not 100% sure why, but I have a feeling it’s because of the fear of it not working. Once transfer happens, I just have to sit back, relax, and hope with ALL of my being that it has worked. That’s terrifying. 

Transfer Day:

We have to get up super early, to be at my clinic for 8:15 for my Intralipids. Transfers are done by my doctor in a different clinic, so I am waiting to hear from the other clinic on whether or not my blast survived the thaw, and what time to go in for transfer. Last time they called me before 8:00, so when 9:00 rolls around and they haven’t called, I’m FREAKING out. What if it didn’t survive? What if there’s a problem? Why haven’t they called?!!!!  Anyways, the nurse assures me that it doesn’t mean ANYthing that they haven’t called yet, starts the IV, and gets the Intralipids going. The other clinic finally calls around 9:15. Blast survived, and transfer at 12:00. Phew! Perfect 🙂 Now the 3 hour wait for Intralipids. Apparently some people feel nauseous during them, and have a harder time handling them, so I’m really fortunate, that although I get nauseous for everything, I can actually handle the Intralipids very well. Because of this, they are able to speed up the process, so I can be done on time. When we are done, Hubby and I head over to the other clinic for transfer. Transfer goes well, same as the other 3 times, I feel like an old pro by now. Embryologist gets me to sign the sheet, and check my name on the file. She shows us our blast on the screen, Dr inserts the catheter, in goes the embryo, and we’re done! No long walks, 2L of water a day, and take it easy for the next 2 weeks. Beta is on June 21, which is not really that far away. So now we wait….

Terrified. That’s the only word I can really use to describe how I feel right now. Terrified, because I feel like it is going to work. It HAS to work. Except I know that it doesn’t. So I’m scared. Somehow I have to keep myself optimistic, and calm for the next 9 days. Then the other question…..test early? or wait for beta? I think I might test early, but honestly……I don’t know if I have the stomach for it. I guess we’ll see!